Infatuation

To love, or to be loved? I’d say to love and to be loved.

Wait A Little Longer

I have been challenged. Patience is at the brim of my nose. The time for me to move is getting nearer. Very soon.

To Have And To Hold…

Nothing else made my day when I read about the paralyzed bride, Rachelle Friedman. She got paralyzed in an accident during her bachelor’s night, the day before her wedding day. Fast forward 1 year later, she still got married to the same man that she was supposed to marry 1 year ago. Although her friend was the cause of the accident (unintentionally) at that night, fast forward 1 year later her friend still became her bride’s maid. Her husband should be every men’s role model and she should be everyone’s role model.

Is there anymore room for love?

Little Wonders

It was there all the while when I didn’t know it.

Good night, peeps…

An Angry Man…

… will always say that he doesn’t like to get angry. I’d like to know if there is a person who gets angry easily says that he love getting angry always.

Priority

How people live their lives reflect what they prioritize the most. Whether it’s time, money, work, family, friendship or whatever it may be, it shows. Whatever it is that we’re place the most importance and dedication, never over do it until you “sell your soul” unless it’s worth doing so. I’ve seen people who are totally sold (soul) out to the things that they’re doing and the effort they they pour in. When I sit back and look at their lives, some of them I gave my full respect for the dedicated lives they live not for their own, while for some they don’t own any of my respect for the things they dedicate into- although in the eyes of many, they may be the “greats” that people should so-called boast about. There are many other few “great” people doing way much more awesome things and they carry a lasting legacy among hundreds of people, yet they remain silent, unknown and humble where “mainstream” people don’t even realise it.  They live a very impactful lives. These are they people that I want to emulate- even if just a pinch of salt. These are real man and woman living their lives with troubles as real and realistic or perhaps even worst than you and me. But yet they live a  victorious life, in the face of catastrophe they can still shine. These are the unsung heroes of their generation. Compared to what I’ve been fighting for in this four months as I examine, it’s just a tiny puny pea. Can I one day say the same thing as a friend of mine puts it “I will not trade for anything in the world to be where I am today.”? Hats down for him. I don’t want to waste too much time getting stuck into something that’s not worth fighting for. Time flies very fast. In one moment, you’ll realise how much is wasted if you could have done better. In a blink of an eye I’m at a quarter century, and I feel I’m old already.

Vulnerable

If we were to count the flaws in our lives. If we were to count the mistakes that we’ve done in the past. If we were to count the faults that we’ve created. Was there too much of rottenness till it overtook the good that which even I don’t deserve the good myself? Will we realise how far we are from perfect? Will we humble ourselves in silence in the face of opposing pride? Will we not justify ourselves to prove our self-righteousness? What kind of road did we lead our lives to be? Mine would probably be the long, narrow and muddy road. I’m beginning to accept the fact that some things are irreversible. Not everything is prim and proper. Not everything is well being. Just as some days there will be sunshine and some days are just the storm. Things just happened unplanned. Can I settle for anything less? Will I find you there at the end of the road?

This Small Space

I don’t know where to begin.

Is It Too Much To Ask For More?

I find myself so hard to make choices especially when I have to decide either one of two or more options that I have. The thing is if I choose one, I’ll loose the good of the other. And if I choose that, I’ll loose the good of this. What’s worst is I can’t have both ways. Sometimes I rather not have any options. Ah, crap.

Just A Smart Tadpole

At times I think it’s just a cliché when my boss said “When people asked me ‘What makes your company successful? Why is it different? It it because of your business plans and strategies?’, I said ‘No. It’s the people that makes the difference.’” Nice…

I think it’s normal for any rising and growing young hot blooded people to pursue knowledge. Learning more, knowing more and discovering more partly because it’s natural for any of us to stay ahead in some ways or another. People may not realise it as it doesn’t need to be any big important things. Be it the achievement of eating the latest pizza restaurant in town or the achievement of being an important figure that earns the respect of others. Without realising, unconsciously people try to be on top of whatever-mountain there is to be. As time goes by, we think we’ve accumulated a somewhat commendable knowledge and experience which we think Mr. Knows-It-All deserve a pat on the back. Nothing wrong. People do deserve some kind of recognition and accolade for sharing valuable knowledge to which is for the betterment of mankind. But what’s wrong is when people think it all ends at there. Not exactly- at least for me. I realise how small I am. How much more there is to learn just as how the ocean cover the face of the earth. It’s impossible to contain everything. A head that’s so big all filled up with knowledge and it grows bigger and bigger, leaving the heart not expanding and finally ended up like a useless tadpole. I find myself knowing lesser when I’ve learned more.

1 Corinthians 1:26-27

A Day To Celebrate

Yesterday was my cousin’s wedding. The photo taken was after the wedding dinner at the ballroom reception. Not everybody in the family was in the photo as quite a number of them were busy taking care of babies. A day to celebrate? Yes indeed.

But more than just to celebrate a day of people getting married, it was also a day to celebrate knowing that my uncle and his wife and daughter were not in Japan. The earthquake and tsunami in Japan was disastrous. They were here for my cousin’s wedding dinner. Unfortunately for my Japanese aunt's relatives over there,  there was a lost of contact. Nobody is quite sure of what’s going on at the moment. Certainly that is not something to celebrate.

Just stop and ponder for a moment. I think there is so much thing for me to write that I think I should probably do it some other time. All I can say at the moment is, expect more catastrophe to come in these last days…

Not Forgotten

After coming to 3 months working in my current company, I received a phone call today. A call from a better company asking me if I’m interested for a position which was my first choice. She would leave me with a second thought if the position is permanent. I had to turn it down instead but told her that I would definitely contact her should I decide on anything. I wanted to leave my current place but I was sort of reluctant if not for my colleagues. But I’m sure I won’t be staying here forever.

Just when I thought that I’ve lost all hope, He suddenly left a hint of glimmering hope enough for me to know that He’s there. Thus, the meaning of my name too.

Out Of My Sand Box

I’m gonna seize the moment of whatever pops out next time!

Sink or swim. Now or never.

How Much Longer?

All added together, I wonder I much longer can I last. Too much time taken, so much time lost. Time is ticking on me before I realise, it might be too late.

Have Been There

I don’t normally post about music or specific song here because there so much music that I can enjoy every morning and… Okay anyway, here it goes. One of the very few songs that have been through the test of time and still carries the same soulful tenderness and at the same time the intensity enough to shake loose the strongest bind, “You Don’t Know Me” by the genius Ray Charles.

Ray Charles, the original…

And here is one of the finest recent cover by Michael Grimm.

Michael Grimm’s cover…

More than just well penned song by Ray, it’s pure smack on- honesty. No man can lie about the meaning. Not even a single line. Period.

Common Sense…

… are not so common nowadays.

When The Fight Is Not Yours…

I was taught “Kalau dia beri sekilo, pastikan kau balas dia dengan berkilo-kilo…” In another words, if someone gives you a cheap punch, make sure you return him immediately with 10 more (minimum, 3 or 4) hard punches. The explanation, you don’t want to “owe” people anything, so you make sure you return him “generously”. Ouch, for him.

Rewind it 10 years back, I was 17 year old. So please bear with me of this small kid’s talk for a moment. There was an end year examination results about to be published where it would determine who will stay in the upper class and who will be demoted to the lower class. When the results was just out from the oven, I realised I was demoted to the lower class and at the same time it’s just a couple of marks that I needed to remain in the same class. That’s where a classmate of mine went begging to me. Well, to know why, flashback a couple of weeks. It was during our exam, I caught him cheating his Additional Maths all the way through and while the blind Ms. Nelly who was supervising the examination with the thick-blinding-glasses-that-made-her-even-blind did know anything about that. The thing is, I let him do it while I struggled all the way through the papers. Fast forward to a couple of weeks, there he was begging me not to let blind Ms. Nelly know about it and gave me all the reasons why he needed to be in the good class and how being in a good class is important for him. I could have told Ms. Nelly about it, and I would have not gotten the demotion. But instead, I took the demotion. I didn’t regret being in the lower class. From time to time, when I see him during recess he would be proud to be hanging out with the “leagues” but it didn’t even hurt my eyeballs one bit.

Last week, I had a call from another friend to visit him for Chinese New Year. Surprisingly, I met the guy who had been in the “leagues” after 10 years. No hard feelings. We catch up with each other as usual. One thing I realised, he wasn’t doing as well as where I am now. I’m not implying that I’m on the top of the pyramid of my life now. Well at least, I’m living comfortable enough and sound mind. Well, after all he didn’t do well in his SPM despite being in a good class. Still no hard feelings on my side.

I’m not trying to preach some karma talk here. I’ve seen enough (maybe little to those half-century guys out there) to say that sometimes bad guys are prospering and kept on doing better and better until they die than what other good guys can do. While good people suffer more and more. Don’t believe me? Open up the newspaper and turn to the politics section. There you have it.

The whole point is, “When somebody slaps you on your left cheek, give him your right cheek as well..” Something not easy for me to swallow but ponder…

Psalms 73:1-16

“For I Can’t Help…”

“Take my hand.. and take my whole life too..”

The simplicity of falling in love. When nothing else matters. But in that short, simple little words is also pack up with responsibility, commitment and a bonding covenant. The fruits of its result may not be immediate, but it’s for sure. “Love endureth all things…”

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Too Soon To Say Goodbye

Last Friday was my college’s last day. We expected her last day to be on Monday, but instead it turned out to be that day itself due to some HR related rights that have been overlooked by the person in charged. So that’s it. She first came into the company on the same day as me. Being newbies we are, we made countless mistakes during work (and I still keep on making mistakes to this day) we would stay late at night figuring what went wrong during work. We kept on revising what was supposed to be done, what we should have done, what we ought to do and so on. We had on each other’s back. That was how it was. To my surprise actually I expected that I would be the one to resign or either get fired first because of my poor performance. In almost every aspect she did way better than me for a newbie. Instead, it was the other way round. I’m going to be so doomed being all alone by myself to pick things up. I couldn’t be anymore appreciative of her effort that she has put in.

Days after Christmas last year, a friend of my Dad was admitted into the hospital because of nose cancer. I use to see him a lot in church. A fellow clansmen and Peranakan we are, so he and my Dad had some close bond I can say. A man about the same age as Dad, as tall as Dad, big, tough and healthy. On that afternoon after church my family decided to pay him a visit. As vivid as I could remember as if it was only yesterday, I saw him lying on the bed. To my shock he lost a lot of weight that I could barely recognised him at first sight. I’ve seen quite a number of cancer patients but probably not at this stage. Immediately it felt like half of my soul had left me to see him there. I was standing on his right holding his cold hand and Dad on his left. His frail voice called out to Dad when he saw Dad. But a few seconds later as though he could not recognise Dad and started talking on his own as if he has lost his sanity. I think it’s because of the morphine that was given to him by the doctors to ease his pain. He could no longer eat solid food so he had to be fed with liquid through a tube and multiple of his organs were failing him. After we visited him in that afternoon he passed away around 2am leaving his wife and children behind. “Life”, as Solomon puts it, “is like a vapour.”

It is easier if you know somebody who’s going to leave. Sometimes more than just a “Goodbye”, the heavier one comes with a “Farewell”. You can show your appreciation by giving them a farewell lunch or dinner or buy them some memorable gift to part with them without forgetting to take some photo shots together. But when it’s somebody who’s going to leave this world permanently, you can’t tell it exactly when. Sometimes even when they are lying unconsciously on the hospital bed, it’s too late to do the things you want to do with them to tell them how much they mean to you. These are the small little things that most people would take for granted until it’s too late. As my Grandmom says, “What’s the point of leaving flowers on the grave when the dead can’t see?” That’s the case that’s happening to most people. When their love ones are still alive, they are left neglected without care, untended for. But once when they are dead and gone, they’ll put up a huge expensive pointless funeral procession for a show. So why wait until your parents or grandparents kick the bucket? I couldn’t measure up to those who have lost their parents at a young age and what they have to go through. That would be the day that I can never be ready to face it.

The Slow Thinker…

I’m writing this post while waiting for my crazy 2 hours download on SP2 for my Windows or else I won’t be able to update my MSN. This sucks. Microsoft sucks!

Something that I discovered about my brains. I’m a slow thinker in many ways. I tend shoot out words out of my mouth without thinking 3 steps ahead sometimes. Yes, I do think 3 steps ahead when I shoot out words, but the 3 steps are counter-attacking, counter-attacking, and counter-attacking. But most often I fail to think 3 steps ahead of “how do they feel?”, “what if I were in their shoes?”, and “what a whole misconception that they would have on me?”. At least these 3 initial thoughts should be ignited before I jam up on the pedals and ram into somebody else. As Chan puts it “It’s better to held back some words and not writing it or somebody might get unnecessarily hurt.” I’m paraphrasing it.

That’s where my reflections on things passing by on me became much more poorer. You can’t possibly reflect on anything unless you’re in a clear state of mind. If you’re too clouded with many things, you’ll fail to see the thin silver lining in the sky. I realised this when new year was approaching.  I realised what a terrible mistake I did to some people when I was in Myanmar. What more to a friend who is a Psychological specialist graduate. Some things are unintentionally. In the most honest possible way to really mean it- unintentionally. Still it give people some twank of unconvincing-ness. Throughout the entire year of 2010, I realised I could turn left instead of turning right. I could have said “okay, lets try it" instead of “argh, that’s not cool” I could have held on instead of letting go. I could have said “no.” instead of “yes.” I could have reached out into the small opening window of heart instead of letting it shut. I could have…. not think too much right now.

The thing is, people need to sometimes do less talking and more thinking. Not necessarily every time or you’ll end up looking like you’re either some guru who just came down from the mountain or from the asylum. People need to be more ever-present. To be aware that what they are doing now affects their future. Not to be too afraid to make mistakes now, but to be sober enough to make the right choices- or the brighter choices. You may sometimes end up in the puddle of mud, but that’s ok. Just move on. And hope that tomorrow you can make better choices than today.

Good night.

These Are The Days…

I would like to just drive along the coastal roads.

Listening to folk music.

WIth my door windscreen down.

And one arm out.

Forgetting about the worries of the world by being care-free.

And appreciating at that small window frame of time, that’s called “Bliss”.

Looking Over…

Something that I can’t help but to keep on doing. 2011 is a split screen from 2010 for me. I don’t know how this is going on. One thing for sure that made a huge difference is I’ve gotten myself a new job. Am I happy? I don’t know. I think it’s an unfair question to ask me. Unless I retire at the age of 55 or so, then it makes more sense to ask me. Although I can see more or less of what this corporate world is all about, I’m not expecting much from this. An undesirable anticipation. But yet again I wonder how far this will go. I can’t be expecting 2011 to be all bed of roses, as there are bound to have some times to land on the thorns. All I can say is I hope that everybody will have a great 2011 year be it in both big or small ways.

A Missing Nut

Last week…

Me: Hello, this is Zach here. It’s about the drums that I bought from you.

Him: Oh, Zach. Yes, is there anything I can help you?

Me: Yes. After I assembled the drums, I can’t fix the beat pedal because I found I’ve got a missing nut.

Him: You’ve got a missing nut?! Hehehe…

Today as I thought of what had happened in the phone conversation, then only I realise why was he laughing over a missing “nut”

“Screw” him…

Will update on New Year’s post later…